(1) The K2 Kung Fujas Schizos
I was fairly certain this description was written in Japanese when I read the title, so I used an online translation to translate it, but then realized I was wrong so I translated it back. I'm pretty sure something was lost somewhere along the way:

"Pep Fujas in charge all types terrain, he is with us wide enough to float, stand in line in the ski park sloppy to shred yet agile to ski. He is soft snow, and it will enhance the performance, the new tail of the rocker switch in a good way. Tepaminichippu sculptures added to the May 30 Sun. As a result, one is really the only ski. One is the quiver. One is the Kung Fujas. Fujas believe the teachings of Kang."

(2) The Volkl AC 30 Men's Carver
The all new AC30 will be your go-to ski of the season for 50/50 frontside/backside skiing. The new shape of 124-80-107mm has great float thanks to an ample waist width, but the Wide Ride system makes it carve exceptionally well on groomed terrain. I've got nothing funny to say about this ski, so instead, watch these awesome ski wipeouts.

(1) The Women's Nordica Fox Ski
Designed for intermediate level women looking for a ski that will support their technique, the Nordica Fox women's ski offers versatility to confidently confront any conditions and still offer the forgiveness that is needed to have fun all day long. You know what doesn't offer the forgiveness that is needed to have fun all day long? My mom. The last time I went skiing with her, she repeated "hip-checked" me to the ground, insisting that skiing was a "F@#$ING CONTACT SPORT, YO!" and suggesting to me that "intermediate level women" were about 6 levels out of my league.

(2) The Men's Nordica Hot Rod Ski Boot
With the Hot Rod Series, Nordica created a whole new category of ski boots designed to address the needs of the evolving all mountain skier. The all mountain skier needs gear that will perform in all terrain, in varied conditions. They need the performance to... I'm sorry. I'm distracted. Have you seen the movie Hot Rod with that SNL Digital Shorts guy Andy Something-or-Other. That movie is hilarious. And, honestly, I am so tired of working right now. It's 3 o'clock. I've got to work until five. Screw this. I'm gonna find somewhere to watch Hot Rod online.

Hilarious video deleted courtesy of Paramount.

(1) The Salomon Men's Impact 8 CS Ski Boot
For expert skiers, this boot construction is Saolomon's top racing offer for performacne and precision and the boot is also convenient to step in. I had a pair of boots that was incredibly inconvenient to step in. Not only was it only available from 8 to 8:45 in the morning, but it was just totally out of the way. The Impact ski boot also features Custom Shell technology to adapt the boot to every foot shape* for greater precision.

*Except this totally weird foot shape.

(2) The Dalbello Women's Raya 10 Ski Boot
The Raya 10 has been developed for intermediate to advanced women skiers who ski a wide variety of terrain and snow conditions. Special women's-only cuff adjusts to comfortably accommodate all leg circumference volumes from chicken legs to full-on cankles. OMG! Oh no he didn't! No WAY! WHAT? CANKLES? WTF?! NO WAY! Huh-uh! Oh. And the Raya 10 is a quick responsive performer.