(1) The North Face Women's Apex Aphrodite Jacket
The Apex Aphrodite is a sleek parka-length jacket made from wind-blocking, durable TNF Apex Universal fabric with a slight stretch for optimal mobility. Soft, thermal fleece backing adds warmth and feels soft against skin. Resting mid-thigh, this longer cut provides added coverage from howling wind.

This is the jacket so sweet Woody Allen made a movie about it. In fact, I'm pretty sure they're wearing it in this scene. I'm pretty sure Mira Sorvino played the North Face "Mighty" Aphrodite jacket, Helena Bonham Carter played Mt. Saint Helen, Olympia Dukakis played Mt. Olympia, and Chester "Howlin' Wolf" Burnett played the Howling Wind. Or maybe that was a dream. I'm really bad at remembering a movies so-called "details."

(2) Burton Women's Mutiny Jacket
"Form a fashion front against tyrannical weather in the women's Burton Mutiny Jacket," whatever that means. Burton's classic signature fit offers added room for layering without being overly baggy. Intelligently placed Thermacore insultation boosts core warmth and your ability to tweak that grab, while the DRYRIDE Durashell 2L fabric keeps you drier, warmer, on-hill longer, safe from pirates, and in total command of your ivory trade ship.

"Add in all sorts of standard features like sound, pass, goggle, ATM and handwarmer pockets and you get one jacket that always delivers." Think about it. If this thing's pockets can hold an ATM and sound, this pockets alone are worth it. I'm not sure how these magic pockets work, but word on the street is that this jacket may or may not* also have the following: a light pocket, a consciousness pocket, a dignity pocket, trade ship pocket, and weed pocket.

*Definitely does not.

(3) Ugg Classic Argyle Knit
According to Ugg: "The Classic Argyle Knit combines a classic prep school pattern and cozy sweater knit for the coolest, comfiest, casual look. A merino wool blend silhouette made to look like your favorite sweater featuring a soft foam insole covered with a genuine sheepskin and a molded EVA light and flexible outsole designed for amazing comfort with every step."

They say this is made to look like my favorite sweater, but Bill Cosby's Cliff Huxtable wore my favorite sweaters, so my Uggs would look a little different. It's also worth pointing out that because I'm over 30 and not a huge fan of the Pocahontas-in-a-flood look, I have a very difficult time not spelling the word "Ugh."

(1) Oakley Ambush Goggles
Oakley says (with our comments in brackets):
"We spent decades ambushing the world's idea of possibility [with goggles, not like, medicine, or scientific advancement, or space exploration or anything] and taking it to new heights, including places high enough to touch the sky. Our Ambush Snow Goggle puts altitude in every aspect of alpine performance, turning recreation into sport domination. When muscles burn and lungs grapple for air, triple layer fleece foam wicks away sweat. [I mean, these can't help your muscles or lungs obviously. They are just goggles, but your eyes won't be sweaty at least.]

Our snow goggles are built for punishing abuse, [you know, like the "punishing abuse" of a light dusting of powdered snow, so punch them, hit them with a sledge hammer, blow them up with effing TNT* 'cause these things are SNOW TESTED!] and the EN 1938 impact rating of Ambush adds protection to even the most aggresive shred session [snowflakes]."

*Don't do any of these things. In fact, if we suggest something on this site, probably just do the opposite. Not only will it keep you safe, it will probably make you more successful in life. I mean, other than buying this rad gear obviously. Listen to us about that stuff. That stuff we know.

(2) Smith Maze Helmet
The Maze is the new go-to helmet. Clean, modern, minimalist design all molded into the world's lightest certified snow-helmet. We worked on some prototypes last year for helmets. I developed the world's lightest non-certified snow-helmet, while Aaron designed the world's heaviest certified snow-helmet. That being said, I'd probably stick with the Smith Maze.

(3) Giro Revolver Helmet*
A low profile, durable, hard shell with just the right amount of brim and style, the Giro Revolver features the interior subliner, Giro's new Interior Goggle Channel which makes room for your strap, and Stack Vent technology that helps keep your goggles fog free.

*Not to be confused with the Gyro Revolver Helmet.